Twilight vs Harry Potter
by Spagety
Summary: What would happen if Harry Potter met the Cullens? Of course it would turn into some crazy Vampire vs. Wizard brawl with extreme silliness, which is what this story contains. Lot's of silliness, that is. You've been Warned.
1. Chapter 1

I own none of the characters. Harry Potter and his band of magical miscreants belong to J. K. Rowling. All the bloodsucking vampires, howling werewolves, and Bella belong to Stephanie Meyer. Robert Pattinson is supposedly property of his own self, despite the millions of screaming girls who have laid claim to him. And now, without further ado,

Harry Potter VS Twilight

The wizards of Hogwarts are on a little field trip to Forks, Washington when they come across a coven of Vampires. At first every thing seems to be going rather well. That is until the Weasley twins decide to prank Emmett. Emmett then retaliates with a prank of his own and a full out Prank War is on! Jasper and Alice become involved as does Ron, and the prank war escalates. Still it remains all in good fun. Then, one prank goes a little too far ending with the Weasely's insulting Alice's honor. This prompts Jasper to challenge them to a duel to the death, 1865 style yo! The weasley's foolishly accept and the Vampire vs. Wizard smack down has begun!

Fred: Just wait till we're through with you, you blood-sucking sods!

Emmett: Oh yeah? You gonna zap us with you're little sticks? Ooh! Scary!

George: Go on then! You'll be crawling back into you're coffins by noon!

The Weasley's and the Cullen's go off to their separate corners if you will to go prepare for the upcoming battle.

Emmett: Oh they are sooo going down.

Alice: Oh yeah. We are totally going to kick their butts!

Jasper: I don't know, they've got brooms.

(Both Alice and Emmett turn to look at him, look back at each other, shrug, and continue on)

SCENE CHANGE!

Hermione: Have you three, completely lost your minds! Challenging vampires to a death match? You're going to get yourselves killed!

Ron: Oh come on, we can take them!

Hermione: You can't be serious! The rest of the coven is sure join the fight and you can't possibly believe that three wizards in training could best seven vampires!

Ron: There are seven of them? (to Fred and George) I'm not so sure about this fellas.

Fred: Don't worry we'll be fine!

George: That's right, we've got Harry Potter on our side.

(everyone looks to Harry who has been sitting quietly till now)

Fred: Whaddya say Harry?

George: Come on!

Hermione: Harry, you can't encourage this nonsense!

Ron: Harry, you know I'd do the same for you.

Harry: Alright, I'm in.

Hermione: Ugh!

Neville: Well if Harry's in I'm in too.

Luna: This experience could be quite, interesting.

(everyone looks to Hermione)

Hermione: (rolls her eyes) Fine, but if we all die then don't say I didn't tell you so!

Harry: Great, then that's seven against seven. If we can get Cedric to join too we'll have eight. I'll go find him!

Meanwhile back at the ranch…er…Cullen house,

Carlisle: I can't believe you challenged them to a duel. Having friends in the wizarding world could have greatly helped us, with our situation with the Volturi. I won't be a part of this fight.

Esme: I'm afraid I have to agree with Carlisle.

Rosalie: Well I'm not about to let a bunch of humans with magic tricks think they can beat us!

Emmett: I knew you'd be with us Rose!

Seth: Hey I'd be up for a fight! It'd be good to get some action around here!

Emmett: That'd be great.

Alice: What! No!

Jasper: Settle down Alice

Alice: Ugh! I hate not seeing!

Jasper: Do you think Jacob and Leah might help?

Seth: Oh we don't need them! Please! Let's leave them out of this. They'll just spoil the fun!

Emmett: Yeah probably. Besides we've got five, including Seth, and Edward will make six. That should be plenty to take them.

Seth: Yes! So where is Edward anyway?

Alice: Somewhere with Bella.

Emmett: Well Duh!

Alice: (giggles) I'll go get him.

Somewhere in the woods

Harry: So you see Cedric, we could really use you in the fight. What do you say?

Robert Pattinson: I don't know Harry I'll have to think about this. Why don't you go to the others. I'll catch up later.

Harry: Alright.

Harry exits

Alice enters

Alice: Edward! I'm so glad I found you

Robert Pattinson: What's up Alice?

(Rob reads her mind and figures out the situation)

Robert Pattinson: Challenging Wizards to a duel. (rolls eyes) I don't know, this seems pretty serious.

Harry enters

Harry: Cedric, quickly we need you.

Alice: Edward, what is this idiot talking about?

Robert Pattinson: Wait…I'm confused.

Later

Alice and Harry are both pulling on Robert Pattinson.

Alice: He's coming with us! Right Edward?

Harry: No he's coming with us! Right Cedric?

Robert Pattinson: Ow.

Alice: He's a vampire!

Harry: No, he's a wizard!

Robert Pattinson: Ow!

Alice: Vampire!

Harry: Wizard!

Robert Pattinson: OW!

Both let go of Rob.

Robert Pattinson: Look you two trying to rip me to shreds is not helping anything. Tell you what, I'll be back in a little while.

(goes off taking Harry Potter book series and Twilight book series with him. Harry and Alice are left staring at each other)

Alice: you wanna thumb wrestle?

Harry: Sure, why not?

After several hours of thumb wrestling…

Enter Robert.

Harry: Well Cedric have you made you're decision on who you are?

Robert: (sighs)Yes I have.

Alice smiles triumphantly, seeing the future.

Robert: You see Harry, I'm in one book out of eight in your series and at the end of it I get murdered by Voldemort. In Twilight, I'm the leading male in all four books. I have a clumsy but adorable girlfriend, who all though continues to get herself into dangerous predicaments, ends up becoming my wife and a sexy vampire. Not to mention, I have tons of adoring fan girls. Sorry Harry, but I'm pretty sure I want to be Edward Cullen a lot more then I want to Cedric Digory.

Harry: But Cedric!

Robert turns into Edward

Edward: It's Edward now. I'll try not to kill you though, Harry.

(Edward runs his hand through his sexy Edward hair, and speeds off into the distance toward the Cullen house, Alice after sticking out her tongue at Harry does the same.)

Baseball field. Wizards are lined up on their side. Harry, Ron, Fred, and George are on brooms. The rest stand with wands at the ready. On the other side the Cullen's and Seth as a wolf are lined up in crouching attack positions. Bella, having heard about the fight is watching interestedly, from the sidelines. The Weasley twins and Emmett and Jasper go to the middle of the field.

Emmett: It's not too late to back out now and spare yourselves the humiliation.

Jasper: (smiling wickedly) as well as your eminent demise

George: Ha! You wish!

Fred: You'll be begging us to stake you by time we're through with you.

(Emmett and Jasper both roll their eyes)

Jasper: Very well then.

(both go back to their sides of the field)

They fight. It is epic. It is so epic in fact that there cannot possibly be a description of it, and so there will be none. : P

Fine, I'll give you the short run down. The Vampires attack. There is much spell casting and wand gesturing as well as snarling, leaping, dive bomb broom attacks, crazy acrobatic maneuvers, hair pulling, biting, clawing, mud wrestling, food flinging, fire hosing, car chasing, flame throwing, shoot outs, tank attacks, grenade launching, quick break for tea time, and finally the slapping with fishes.

Told you it was epic.

Then Dumbledore and Professor Lupin arrive with Carlisle, Sam and Jacob.

Sam: What is going on here?

Everyone: (Hides fishes behind backs) Nothing

Bella: (Who has by this time joined in the action) I don't even know anymore. It started going nuts after the mud wrestling.

Jacob: Seth! Get over here!

(Seth obeys, and everyone begins to settle down)

Hermione: (to Rosalie) You know, you were pretty handy with that machine gun.

Rosalie: Thanks, by the way, where'd you learn to drive a tank?

Harry: (To Edward) That muggle is your girl friend eh? Well don't ever make her mad when there's a flame thrower around.

Bella blushes.

Edward: I'll keep that in mind.

Much of the same sort of conversation goes on and by the end all are friends and Sam, Jacob, and Seth are insisting on werewolf lessons from Professor Lupin. All is well until…

Harry: GAAAAAAAARRRRGHH!

Edward: What's wrong with him?

Hermione: Oh no! it's his scar! He's coming! He-who-must-not-be-named!

Wizards: GASP!

Emmett: What's up with them?

Alice: (sees vision) nevermind that!

Edward: (reads Alice's mind) Bella get behind me.

Rosalie: What is it?

Edward: We're about to get a visit from Italy

Vampires: GASP!

Sam: Wait, what?

Jacob: I don't know but I'm pretty sure it's a bad thing

(they change into wolves)

Then Voldemort and his evil minions as well as the Volturi and their evil minions appear. They see each other.

Voldemort: What is this?

Caius: Who are you?

Marcus: I don't care

Aro: Well I do!

Aro skips over to Voldemort, whistling. Voldemort stares at this in wonderment then shrugs and goes up to greet Aro.

Aro: We are here to destroy these vampires. Why are you here?

Voldemort: I'm here to destroy these wizards. Would you like to join me?

Aro: Can we suck out their blood when we're done?

Voldemort: knock yourself out!

Aro: Oh what fun! Let's begin!

The Volturi and Voldemorts crew attack and because I have gotten bored with the story all the wizards, vampires, and werewolves are slaughtered.

The end. :)


	2. Chapter 2

Harry Potter vs Twilight chapter 2

When we last left our gang of potential halloween themes, things looked rather grim. In fact, it was downright morbid considering everyone died. However, because this is being written by a lazy and flippant writer, we get to see one of those old and time honored plot devices come into play; the Reset Button! As it turns out, just before Voldemort and the Volturi showed up (insert explanation here i.e. timetravel, "it was all a dream", resurrection beans, clones… ) and now everyone is fine. YAY!

Anyway, having decided to become friends the wizards decided to invite the vampires, (and bella and the werewolves) to hogwarts where our heroes are now sitting in the griffindor common room.

Hermione: Wait a minute, how did we get here? Last thing I remember we were in a field having an utterly ridiculous battle with these, er, people and then we were fighting You-know-who, and now all the sudden we're here months later?

Ron: Who cares.

Hermione: But we were dead!

Ron: Don't be ridiculous

Alice: No, I think she's right. I distinctly remember watching all of us die, and then we all died.

Ron: I think it was all a dream.

Alice: we don't sleep

Hermione: Right and even they could, we wouldn't all have had the same dream

Neville: Maybe we time traveled

Fred(sarcastically): Don't be daft! It was resurrection beans!

George(even more sarcastically): No clones!

Harry: This makes no sense,(turning to luna, who is looking off dreamily) luna what are you thinking?

Luna: It's just a thought, but maybe we're all characters in books.

Leah (butting in): Oh, and what? We're all in some poorly thought out fan fiction?

Luna: something like that, yes.

Hermione: That's the most ridiculous idea I've heard yet!

Luna (shrugging) Just a thought. (looks at Edward who is reading a copy of "The Goblet of Fire")

Edward: right, ahem. (hides book under chair)

After much more discussion that won't be written down here because we've already spent far too much time having characters question the author's methods, we find that they have now entered the quidditch field. (Hermione: but it still doesn't make sense! Narrator: Neither does you talking to me. So shut up! )

Apparently after explaining the rule of quidditch, then vampire baseball, they decided to combine the two sports in a convoluted way. Harry, Ron, Fred, George, and Robert Pattinson (who had again become confused as to who he was) were all on brooms. Fred, George, Jasper and Emmett had beaters. Ron, Alice, Hermione, and Rosalie had catchers mitts and Luna had on a lion's head, though which team she was supporting is rather hard to determine considering both Griffindor, and the Cullens have lions for their crest. Supposedly it would be wizards, but then why not wear a wizard hat? Would that just be too normal for her? She, Bella, Neville, and Seth are sitting in the stands. Jacob, along with Leah and Ginny were announcing.

Leah: Who are we rooting for? The leeches or the kids with the brooms?

Jacob: I don't know who you're rooting for but I'm rooting for whoever's against Edward.

Bella(shouted from the stands): Jake! Shut up and start announcing!

Jacob: Right. Short-haired leech pitches to one of the red headed twins.

Ginny: Fred hits the muggle ball, grabs the quaffle and starts making a loop around the white matts.

Leah: Ooh! The big guy just hit one of those flying bowling balls at him! What's his name? Emmerson?

Bella: Emmett!

Leah: Right. Him.

Ginny: Fred narrowly avoids the bludger. He's now flying away from Cedric who is trying to tag him with the muggle ball. He still needs to touch the seventh and fourth mat then get the quaffle into a hoop.

Leah: Oh. Looks like Eddie tagged him. That's the first out in the inning. Does that mean anything?

Jacob: Um…apparently it means the other team is up to bat. The blonde guy bloodsucker

Just got pitched a really curvy curve-ball and that's strike one.

Leah: Hey, are they allowed to put magic on the ball?

Jacob: And the brown-haired witch just threw a …, I have no idea what to call that pitch. It went forward then straight up then landed right in front of blonde vamire's bat. Who swung and missed. Strike Two!

Ginny: Meanwhile, Harry seems to have spotted the snitch. He's racing after it and Cedric is racing after him. OH! Watch out for the bludger! Harry missed the bludger but slammed right into Cedric. They're both spiraling. Harry regains control of his broom, but Cedric's still falling. YES! He's pulled up just in the nick of time.

Bella (to seth): Why do they keep calling Edward Cedric?

Seth(shrugging): I dunno.

Leah: Blond guy leech was struck out by that Harmony girl with a zig zagging pitch, with one ball, which went 70ft over his head and into the catchers mitt.

Ginny: It's Hermione. Her-MY-o-nee

Leah: What kind of a name is that?

Jacob: Anyway. The other red headed twin is up to bat, and it doesn't look like spiky haired leech is going to give him any slack after striking out blonde guy leech.

Bella(shouted): Jake! You know their names!

Jacob: Fine, _Alice_ who I guess thinks she's doing some kind of interepretive dance in the process just threw the fastest fast ball ever. Strike one.

Ginny: Alice throws the muggle ball again. George swings. I think he hit it! No wait! The blonde girl, Rosalie I think, is holding up the ball in her hand. George has already started flying around the bases. What did he hit? Oh, my! He hit the snitch! I think he broke it! It's zipping all over the place.

Leah: And meanwhile that George guy has stolen first and second base and is heading for third! Don't we have referee around here?

Jacob: Who cares? What, are you rooting for the vampires?

Leah: Well, I'm for the side that's not cheating!

Jacob: Yeah? Well, the big one, er Emmett, just tackled George off his broom. How's that for cheating?

Leah: well somebody had to stop him!

Ginny: And Hermione, acting as referee has called penalty for both teams.

Jacob: Um how is that going to work?

Meanwhile on the field, Harry and Cedric/Edward are hovering near eachother.

Harry: I thought you decided to be Edward?

Edric: Well I can't fly a broom without magic. However I still don't want to die.

Harry: didn't that already happen in the field anyway?

Cedward: No, we decided that a wormhole opened up and saved us at the last minute, remember?

Harry: Oh right.

To be continued


End file.
